Lost Night I Became the President of the United State
The Blue Dolphin Dream
Last night, I became the President of the United States. Here is how it happened.
After a month of careful preparation, my campaign manager, Mr. Hercules Battor, and I met behind closed doors to choose the proper moment to announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States.
New Hampshire
On the following Friday morning, we launched our campaign in New Hampshire, at a grand convention center. Hundreds of enthusiastic supporters filled the hall, waving banners that read: Long Live the Blue Dolphin Party. Long Live Wahab. A loud, booming voice rang out from the crowd — Long live the new Blue Dolphin Party! Long live the party of equality! Long live the party of peace! — and the chanting continued for several minutes.
And there I was, standing behind the podium.
"Ladies and gentlemen," I began, "today is a historic moment in the history of America. A man born in a poor corner of the world is standing before you. You do not have to be born in America to love her — love of country is not a matter of birthplace, it lives in the heart. America has been governed, from its very inception, by native-born white Americans, with one exception — the mixed-race Barack Obama. It is time for change."
Loud applause erupted. Long live America. The music swelled — Born in the U.S.A. and God Bless America thundered through the speakers as the charged crowd clapped and cheered.
I continued: "Today I am standing before you not to make promises, not to boast, but to say in simple words that come from my heart — I will take care of you. That is what government is for."
Another wave of applause.
"My plan is to reduce crime to zero."
Loud cheers.
"My plan is to end every war within twenty-four hours. American sons and daughters will not be sent to fight wars without end. We cannot police the world — and we should not have to. I mean it."
Applause.
"No mother, no senior citizen — no one — should be homeless. I promise that I will provide a home for every American." Loud applause. "No one should be out of work. No one should be forced to labor for less than forty dollars an hour. I mean it." Another wave of applause. "I mean it. It is possible. I will not raise taxes on the middle class, nor on the wealthy. My politics are not the tired old cycle of tax and spend. My Blue Dolphin Party, with the help of artificial intelligence, has developed a sophisticated new vision — to make the American military like a lion ruling the jungle, without rival."
At that, one man in the audience let out a roar, bounding through the hall like a lion himself.
Chicago
Our next stop was Chicago, one week later.
"Fellow Chicagoans," I said, "for years and years your state has been neglected. This city is plagued with crime. No previous government has done anything meaningful for you. They took your votes and ran. But I have developed a plan — with the most talented, patriotic individuals and with the help of state-of-the-art artificial intelligence — to bring crime to zero. I mean zero. Do you hear me?"
Loud applause.
"Isn't it beautiful to imagine walking through your public park in the middle of the night with your beloved grandmother? To take your cat or your dog — or both — for a stroll, without fear of being harmed?"
Loud applause.
A man in the crowd became so overcome with emotion that he shouted: "Sir, you are like a father to us! You have to take care of us! That is what government is for!"
"I can do this," I said. "Believe me. It is a new approach. Here is my plan: anyone who has a misdemeanor in mind should go to the police station and register a pledge that they will not commit that crime. In return, they will automatically receive five hundred dollars. Five hundred dollars! Isn't that something?"
Another thunderous round of applause.
"And anyone who has intentions of committing a burglary — if they register their impulse and walk away from it — they, too, will receive a bonus." Loud applause, clapping, cheering. "But the most beautiful part is still to come. Anyone with murder on their mind who chooses not to act on it will receive one thousand dollars. Think about it — the higher the degree of crime not committed, the higher the reward. This is a wonderful, beautiful crime bill, and you are going to love it. It is designed to bring crime to zero — no less than zero."
One woman in the crowd burst into tears. "This is a miracle!" she cried. "This is what we have dreamed of, but no one ever helped us. God sent this man to save us from our troubles — he is truly a man of God and a man of the people. You have my vote!" She was so overwhelmed she seemed nearly delirious with joy.
California
A week later, I stood before my California supporters. Blue Dolphin Party banners swayed overhead. Supporters wore the party's T-shirts, singing and chanting along to God Bless America.
"Dear beloved Californians," I said, "I am a Californian. I love California. Just as JFK once said, Ich bin ein Berliner — I am a Californian."
Loud applause. The party banners waved furiously in the hands of the enthusiastic crowd.
"You are close to my heart."
More cheers and applause. Then a tall woman from the crowd surged forward and tried to embrace me, but my bodyguards held her back. "I am an Arab Muslim!" she shouted. "I long to see a Muslim become president! We have had Jewish presidents and Christian presidents, but never a Muslim — except, perhaps, the Mayor of New York." She began to sob. I stepped toward her, past my guards, and embraced her, holding her for a moment until she calmed.
Then I turned back to the crowd.
"Dear Californians — for years, this state has lived on the edge of catastrophe. California burns. The fires devour your forests. The earth shakes beneath your feet. And what has the government done? Nothing. Why? Because the so-called deep state does not live here. They do not feel the heat. They do not lie awake fearing the next tremor. But I do. And with the help of artificial intelligence, I am going to stop the burning of our trees — the very lungs of our air, the source of our oxygen and our beauty."
Thunderous applause. Loud music. Some supporters began to dance, shouting slogans, waving the party flag.
"As for the earthquakes — I have a plan. A bold, earth-shaking plan, if you will." I smiled and they laughed. "I am going to harness the seismic energy generated by these quakes, redirect it, store it, and convert it into a renewable energy source. No one has dared to propose this before — because they were all short-sighted, timid politicians." Applause, clapping, cheering. "I assure you — there will be no more devastating earthquakes in California. Not one. What a beautiful future we will build together."
Seattle, Washington
The following week, I arrived in Seattle. Crowds in Blue Dolphin banners and party T-shirts greeted me, chanting: Long live the party and its leader!
"My lovely Seattle family," I began, "your state reminds me of my native Afghanistan — beautiful mountains, beautiful rivers, and what a warm, loving people you are. The only difference is that over there, people make war when they are bored. But here, you are here to build a country."
Applause, applause, applause. Clapping and cheers.
"My fellow Seattle citizens — for years, Seattle has suffered under a sky that attacks you. I am speaking of actual lightning — bolts of electricity crashing down from the heavens, threatening your precious lives. Other nations receive our Iron Dome technology to shoot down incoming drones and missiles. Why can we not build the same defense system here at home, to protect American citizens from the lightning that falls on them from the sky? I know why — because no one in Washington has cared enough. I have spoken with my remarkable team of experts, and we are going to build an aerial defense grid that shoots down every bolt of lightning before it touches a single beloved Seattle resident. Isn't that something?"
Shouting, cheers, whistling, clapping, and a long, thunderous ovation.
Six Months Later
I became President of the United States.
Six months into my administration, everything began to unravel.
My promise to end all wars had not brought peace — it had ignited a war of words in the media and in Congress. The conflicts I had vowed to resolve in twenty-four hours had instead intensified. The national deficit had skyrocketed, driven by the cost of paying citizens not to commit felonies. The sharp rise in the minimum wage had spiked inflation, and the dollar had begun to lose its value on world markets. Hercules — whom I had appointed as my Vice President — turned against me. So did most of my cabinet. I could sense a coup forming in the shadows.
To divert attention, I ordered the invasion of North Korea. It was a catastrophe.
At four in the morning, I boarded Air Force One, intending to flee to my native Afghanistan. But the plane went down.
My wife shook me by the shoulder.
"Honey — what is going on with you?"
I jolted awake and looked around the dark bedroom, disoriented.
"Did you have a nightmare?" she asked, watching me with worried eyes.
I shook my head slowly and shuffled to the corner of the bed, sitting with my feet on the floor.
She crossed her arms.
"I told you not to have so much beer before dinner," she said.
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